Simple, people aren't simple just because (you) or (I) say they are. People can be what ever they want to be and wO to the person who says other wise - this is me not telling you that.

People, I love you.

(Not Necessary)

Tonight a fifteen year-old boy threw up all over himself while sleeping, neglecting to wake up.

After 3 hours of marinating in his own souped-bolus this boy was awaken by his mother and forced to take a shower and wash the spew from his face, body and hair.

I don't know where I went right. Honest. I don't know how I managed to reach the point of my being that I can act and think in the ways that I do now.

I've never been that boy. I've never thought of that boy possessing any sort of allure. For a whole long time, I've been convinced that I'm something less then I should be. People don't treat me like they treat others and it confuses me most times.

The way people are treated by other people confuses me more than anything else. People have these rationalizations and classifications with which they determine, or pose, in order to place others in a category that indicates what type of treatment one will receive - Family, Friend, Foe and Unknown. I don't know what constitutes a family member, but I don't see much signs for a universal gradient. I'm running around with my face crunched up and confused to all hell.

Bollix.

What do I think?:

I think that people have too many disguises.

I think that education is the most important overlooked thing in the world.

I think that people want so much to live the dream of someone else.

I think that my right bicep will never stop twitching.

I think that everyday my life becomes more and more mine.

I think that people are always trying to get over on someone.

I think that passion is a tool used against those who posses.

The thought that I have is people choose to not live.

I think that people are too scared to be what they want to be.

I know that I'm so vulnerable to influence.

I think that people need to be freed from oppression.

Everyone points fingers in pairs of one.

I think the world is a cool place to be.

I think worlds can be horrible.

I think I can change.

I think I need to eat better because my stomach feels weird.

I don't think this twitch is ever going to stop...

I think I think most times.

I like to think I think before I act.

I think my thoughts are a solution to what is going on in my head.

I think these are too many thoughts for anyone to pay attention to.

I think there are a lot of T's and I's in this post.

What I know is:.....I'm not really sure what I know.

A Drop in the Bucket of My Appreciation

I liked a teacher from high school—He taught me something.

This is a letter to him:

Dear Mr. DeVore,
I still call you 'Mr. DeVore' out of the respect I have for you as a teacher. I'm not going to refer to you as "De-vo" or "Devore" because I've grown to appreciate teachers who actually teach students something. And feel that if no other sect of people in the world deserves a pre-fix, good teachers do.
I hope you don't read this email as you would a student's paper, but rather as you would a birthday card from a four year old. I don't want you to critique my grammar or spelling (I will be using spell check), nor do I want you to analyze the motive. I just want you to read the text and take them for the words that they represent.
I've wanted to write you for almost a year now--after my freshman English class ended. For my whole first year in college I went through what I thought the normal freshman experience. And I hated every minute of it. I wasted so much time doing what I thought everyone wanted me to do and so little of what I cared about. TO THIS DAY I am confused about who I really want to become, or if I want to become anything more than I already am... But that is off the wall stuff.
I remember one of the last days of school, in your class my senior year. It was when all our assignments were graded and there wasn't anything else for you to do; you had dished out everything that you had planned and we (students) were still seated in the same places where we had began (your class). I think about this day on a weekly basis now--when I'm confused about what I want to do, where I see myself, how I want to live, what I value--you gave a little motivational speech. I don't know if you were angry with how irresponsible we all were, or if is something that you do at the end of every year. All I know is that in that minute and thirty seconds something more valuable than any combination of words ever assigned to me.
You talked about passion, how it is really the only thing that drives people (or something of the sort).

You said, "No matter what happens in life, chase your passion and you will make the world a better place... Running to your passion will make you and everyone around you a better person."

I've searched my whole college life for my passion because for so many years (all the way through high school) I was told what my passion should be. Sometimes I feel like your routine "end of the year" speech is all that I have to remind me that there is something in this world that can make me happy, and that I can use to make the world happier.
I guess this letter is just a dragged out 'thank you card' but that is what I want to say to you Travis DeVore.
I thank you for inspiring me to search for me, and I hope that you understand the affect it has had on my life.
Please share with everyone around you the 'passion' that you shared with me.
You alone change the world for me.
Mtn. Home High School could (have) really suck(ed).
-Zachary.
p.s. I'm pretty sure that it is close to that time again.

none

man...

Then What is This?

I read a book today. A book that simply told me everything that I already know, something that we (everyone) already knows. I have had this idea in my head for so long that it is somewhat comical that I read a book about it today. This idea, or way of life, ideology if you will is the message that I want people to get from the person that I am. And this is where 'my' idea makes me into a hypocrite. This book is called This is Water by David Foster Wallace. The book is very small but so applicable to everyone that it's significance is simply ignored--the idea of the book is like a contact, a clear contact. In a world where everyone needs contacts but not everyone chooses to wear them. After a while, we users of contacts forget the very thing that allows us to be able to see past the reach of our own noses. The only time we acknowledge the fact that we need these things (contacts) in order to see is when we go through the extraordinarily monotonous task of putting them in when we wake up and taking them out before we sleep. The contacts don't really matter. I'm just trying to explain what I am thinking about this thought... What I'm trying to say is: The contacts represent this thought--from the book. The eyeballs that the contacts sit on are like an odd representation of us--people. Anyway, half way through this book I realized that this single idea is something that can link all of us together because it is so basic--the only thing that separates us from realization is the liquidie crap that lubricates the whole ordeal. The idea puts all of us on the same page, regardless of whatever each of us believes in. This idea is what everyone goes through but doesn't have to. It is easy for me to say what I feel and consider what I want

Where I find trouble, and I'm beginning to discover that I'm not the only one, is in considering other people. Not golden rule like, or b attitudes here. Just considering other peoples reasoning and perspective. I'm not wrong for feeling selfish, because that is what most of us really are. We each worship our own thing and if others don't, we (I) dismiss what ever it may be. I've come to the conclusion that life is all perspective. For starters, my opinion is just that. I can't tell anyone what is right and wrong for them. I do feel that there should be a WORLD WIDE understanding, but that is just my feeling again. My aspirations for this world and the world of my own are just that. If I can learn to wade through the deluded joys of the world to true understanding I feel that I will be happy and make the world the best that I could have. In an essay I can't recall the title to--nor do I feel like looking it up--a man said, "it is through good intention that hell is proverbially paved." Why i bring that up here is because seeing the idea of life through a section of deluded liquidie crap paints a picture that is far from realistic. And face it, if we don't meet our own standard of life then it doesn't matter what we think of after-life and reincarnation. Our very own personal hells will be made available to us very quickly right here on earth. "Hell on earth." Who ever said that knew a little something about what a bad perspective can do. So this book, it is good. I feel like Siddhartha when he found out the meaning of life... I just read a book though, and these are really just a days worth of thoughts. I've been thinking about it for most of the day. Especially when I was waiting to fast forward through the commercials while I was watching the draft. And by the way, I don't see the talent in most of these dudes. I feel like I'm a much better 6th round snag. I kind of want everyone to understand this truth so I'm going to either rewrite this a few times, or just keep writing in the same spirits--which is somewhat what I think I've been doing--I just have some professional inspiration now. David Foster Wallace Died in 2008 too, not like I knew the guy or anything, and it is kind of disrespectful for me to talk about him when I read about his death on his book cover, but I guess that is why they put it there--so people would read it and feel bad. Anyway, I feel like he knew something about me. I feel like he and I have a similar understanding of the world. Granted, mine is far more unrefined and raw than his, but I hope that I can one day refine my eyes in the same magnitude that he did.

-Zachary Alexander Hale

Little Fuddcicle

Right now, it is probably in my best interest (school wise) to be typing a paper. I have no idea what I am going to talk about in this paper, and that is why I'm not going to type it at the moment. Instead I think I'll talk about my current feelings towards the world as a whole.
Shout out to Obama: You are in my prayers and I know that you will eventually be seen for the great man that you are--people have a knack for late recognition. I have complete faith that God will guide you through Mr. Obama.
So, I'm dealing with some self inflicted turmoil and I'm not sure how to flip my path over the "x-axis". I've been so wrapped up in my head for the past few weeks that I have nearly suffocated myself trying to think... I mean, I've been thinking so much about nothing so very often, and I've had a hard time focusing on my school and things that actually hold significance in my life--or things that should be significant to me. I think I might be feeling so alone that I'm even starting to sound stupid to myself (...). I have no release valve in my life right now; no toilet handle, and I have massive amounts of guacamole-colored pooh to deal with. For so long I've been stacking the garbage of my mind at the back door, unwilling to go outside and find a NEW means by which I can rid myself of the unbeneficial toxins of myself. 'I' defiantly ranks high on the word count list today, but that is the only reference I have. My life is nothing more than an example, as everyone is. Every day, I make mistakes, and this is totally off base with what I've been talking about, but I have just been 'talking' this whole time. I don't really know what it all means, or where I was going with it, but that is my joy. I like to just write with no guidelines, and no perimeter. I can go where ever I want to go on paper/screen regardless of what anyone says later, I'm free at the moment. I can truly say that I am happy right now:) which is a feeling that I've missed so, so much. Pseudo-happiness finds its way into my life on the daily, I know right from wrong. I easily slip from the path of true happiness for something that is so irrelevant, so false, and something that isn't me at all. I fall into traps like Elmore Fud, and never learn from my mistakes--I'm starting to learn though--thank God. There is so much that I assume when I don't know the true depth. I know that I've been all over the place, breaking off into language and situations: 1)I don't feel extremely confident in my writing right now, 2)I'm tired and want to feel sorry for myself, 3)right now I have hundreds of things in my head that need to be cut out (temptation being one of them).
I hope that God will bless whoever reads any of this, not through/for me, but just for them. I want so much to be a major part of the Lord's plan.
God please help me.
-Alexander Hale.

all perspective.

Today....

I question whether or not my reflection on each day is just a negative opinion or not.

-zh.

November 12.

Today, i find myself wanting. my wants aren't materialistic, nor measurable. I want change. Thanks to mr.obama, the word change holds less meaning for me. his "change" is one that is almost unobtainable. the weight that his mouth, so willingly, placed on his shoulders is beyond that which any man should attempt to hold. Along with the weight, Obama has taken the pressures that come with it. if he achieves his goals, he will be considered more than just a man. his successes could effect the human race in a positive way, but in the same degree that hitler did. if one man can bring the whole world into conflict and put an entire ethnic group on the endangered species list, then why can one man not save an entire nation from tradition? I mean, "tradition"... I feel that tradition is the only reason why people can not move on. we are always concerned with what our parents did, yet we (i) do not understand that impotence of what is happening now. in my history class, i find myself getting sucked into the past. i feel emotional and question things that have already happened. always looking backwards, i feel like that is the problem. until this year, i never cared much about history--the past is just the past, why should i care about what i can't change...? but history books tell the story of a people in a colorful way, it is like reading a novel or something. and that is what history books are--just wordy novels. the only history is the one that i live, everything else is just a story. I don't even know my direction anymore. I want to change the person that I am today. Tomorrow, I don't know who or what I will wake up to be. Read off ever cliche in the book--tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I don't know what i can rely on anymore. my DREAMS are beginning to slip, and i can see the history of my life being written out right in front of my face. change is what i need in order to progress, move forward. i changed to get to where i am today (weak) and i need to change back to get to where i want to be (strong). i know i need something, i just have a hard time differentiating from wants and needs.
-Z.a.H.

November 11.

Love...

That is what I want to give,

Whether it be to my mom, dad, or the man walking on the street.

One day, I want people to see me for ME.

Not the wild haired boy that isn't doing much with his life,

I'm more than a man in all ways but one:

My heart is so right, but my mind is so wrong.

-Z.H.

Just a little something.

Because the nation rate of rural high school college-going graduates ranges from 30 percent, in some states, to 70 percent in others. The nation average of rural college-goers is around 50 percent. With some Urban high schools have 100 percent of their graduates go on to college. The staggering contrast of success between the two, urban and rural, gives raise to the methods behind each. Rural high school school's curriculum does not prepare students for the rigorous curriculum colleges require students to complete. Students from Rural communities are ill-informed about college and do not make attending a priority.

My letter to the future.

Dear Mr. Tedford,
My name is Zacq Hale. I am currently in my sophomore year, attending school at Pasadena City College. My freshman year I struggled academically, and as a result I am now sitting this year out because my gpa from last year. My struggle list can go on for ever, but what I really want to know is how I can walk onto your school. I've been working hard in school to correct mistakes I made last year--school wise, things are going very well. I don't know if I want to spend another year at the jr college level, because i feel that can play with the best--why waste my time in limbo when I can work on the specifics, and in the place I want to be. My plan is to get into the school with my grades and just walk onto the team. I would then work my ass off to EARN a scholarship and a starting position. I just spoke with my advisor today, and he let me know of the difficulty of this task--I know it is going to be hard, but I know that I will do it. It is a long shot, but I just want to run it by you. I will be speaking with my coach to see what he thinks about me leaving and he might support it (I don't really know). I just have a vision, please let me know how realistic it is. I apologize for the length of this letter, I just had to let you know what's going on.
Thank you (if you made it this far).
-Zacq Hale.
p.s. Good luck with ASU this week--Throw hitches at #5 (he can't tackle).

It's been a while.

Shout out to Big Pooh and Phonte for making yet another song that is the real-"Always tryin' to impress these niggas with expensive-ass liquor I don't even like that taste of..."

I have been changing--Mentally, physically, emotionally--all that. I'm am struggling with the "un"side of me; unfaithful, unspiritual, unwilling, uneducated. And the side that is ready for change, and progress. I love learning, but I try to act lazy because what I've always done directly portraits laziness(I guess). It is frustrating to be held back by yourself, but I get an ill feeling in my stomach when I feel like I need someone else (human) to get where I want to be. I hate depending on other people--family, friends.... bums. Any one that isn't the alpha and omega has no place telling me what I should do. And I 'm beginning to figure this out and put others to the side. Finally removing the barriers between God and Me, but to my "dismay", my biggest obstacle is my self. Which is the old me, that guy that has had a good heart clouded by evil. I'm clearing the evil, really I am. But I'm starting to feel possessive over the 'bad' things I have always done: ie, sex, girls, vagina, legs, skirts, talking to girls.... looking at girls.... touching girls. I really have grown quite fond of Shorties, and don't want to let 'em go. I just know that I need to in order for me to get where I want to be. The last time i had sex..... ughhhh, I didn't even want to do it--which made it better (for me...) but I felt like she wanted it FOR REAL. I didn't even work it like I should have because I didn't want to do it. i thought I was on a new leaf--the one without sex. But with one hinting gesture towards sex I folded like a t-shirt.

People struggle from time to time, I guess. I don't like the whole one night "love" thing because of all the disrespect that is involved, but I get caught up sometimes. I have to stay on my grind in order for me to go anywhere... and seeing how I have class at seven in the morning, I should probly be getting some zzzZZzzzzZ.

-zH.

My Mind.

I hate noting, but can never follow my mind.--I mean, halfway through a thought I've already changed my mind four or five...(or six or seven, maybe none, sometimes sixteen) the shit is crazy. I can't even keep up, so You should have some thrill in finding some genius in these thoughts--that's from the heart.

-once again.

Girls that fall in "Fuck Me Pumps".

Shit, everyone knows 'em; the bitches that think they are fine--which in fact they are, but just because they act like it is what gets to me. Amy Winehouse(that cracked out breezy) said it best when she described the "Fuck Me!" girls: "the only reason married men don't go home to their wives". The girls that get all glamed up and go out and get fucked up then fucked every weekend; hollywood women. Personally, I can't stand the shit. But I find myself falling under the spell of the "Drunken Hot Girls" from time to time. Of late, I've hardly been victimized, 1: because I live in a new place and don't really have the usual list of little hoochies--funny thing about Idaho is that the shorties out there didn't wear heels, so I've never really fully experienced the full "Pump" yet. 2: The people I see everyday, these "californians" as you will, never stop displaying the "Pump" swagger--It's like every girl just wants to get fucked but doesn't want to come out and say that shit like that. I don't see what is so bad about saying(verbally) what you feel; Most people get a pretty good read on what your hopes and dreams(of the night) are extreamly quick style. Ex: A GIRL who is all "hollywooded" up, walks past the same guy six or seven times. Nothing on the opposite side of the room that really catches her eye, but this one dude is attractive and is yet to speak to her... those are the kind of GIRLS I'm talking about, I can't stand girls like that but I feel like everywhere(I mean EVERYWHERE) these kind of fake overconfident(overzealous*, misled, arrogent, d-seat-ful, COCKgobling, assholish) females always find a way to get under my lid.

(will elaborate some other time).

-Z. Hale.